Happy Mother’s Day

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Zac & I

It’s Mother’s Day so I decide to take a little departure from my usual topics and talk about mothers; single mothers in particular. I don’t talk about my family much in this blog because I try to keep some things private and personal. That may be hard to believe if you follow this blog at all, but it’s true.

My son Zachary is fourteen and a half, he would be sure to emphasize the half because that means he is closer to fifteen than fourteen. I was twenty-one when he was born and to be honest, I was pretty sure that I was going to screw him up royally. I was sort of living life day-to-day and didn’t have any long-term plans because I was twenty-one and who cares, right. Then I was pregnant and on my own. My mom really stepped up in a lot of ways and helped me through the pregnancy and for basically his whole life. I was very lucky to have her to help me, and even though we clash a lot, I know I was lucky. Even though she has helped me along the way, it’s not the same as raising your child with a husband or partner because you really are on your own in many ways. Every decision I made had to first be about Zac, then about myself. When he was five months old I left a good paying job for a crappy paying one at a private college so I could get my bachelor’s degree for free. I knew that if I was going to be able to provide for him over the long haul, I was going to have to get a college degree so I did. I went to school one night a week for four years with a baby while working full-time. It wasn’t easy but it had to be done. I never wanted him to feel like he went without or to feel like he suffered in any way because I was doing it on my own. About six months ago we were talking about some kids at his school and was surprised at some of the things they eat, like salad for example. I told him that their parents probably made them eat what they ate so they have a different palate than he did. He said well, you don’t eat chicken nuggets so why do I? I told him because when he was younger and developing his own food palate, we were poor so we ate a lot of cheap crap. He was surprised that we were poor and had no idea. In a weird way that made me feel like I had done my job as his mom.

All mothers do what they have to do to take care of their kids, but moms who raise kids on their own have a special place in my heart because it is hard. Harder than I think anyone could imagine. While it has been a long hard road to fourteen and a half, I would do it again in a minute. Zac is smart, funny, considerate, kind, and a real stand up kid. I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he is becoming and I am honored I get to be him mom.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms, but especially to the moms doing it on their own!!

In My Absence…

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I was away from this blog for about 7 weeks and I know you noticed. I appreciate the emails and shout outs about wanting more. I didn’t offer much in the way of explanation and I apologize for that, but I had to take care of something very important and valuable; myself. This one might be a bit long, but hang in there.

I switched therapists for someone who specialized in food addictions and she is intense! Brutal, harsh, mildly inconsiderate, bossy, right, knowledgable, smart, and ultimately a life saver. I had not fallen off the wagon or had a binge, I was just looking for more. More in terms of the quality of my life. I wanted to not think about food and recovery, and all of it so much. I wanted these things to not be the first thoughts I have in the morning and the last thoughts I have at night. I wanted it be less of a struggle, but I wasn’t sure that was even possible. This has been my life for most of my life, whether I realized it or not. That’s why I had to find a specialist. Her first order of business was for me to walk away from my blog and any writing that related to food or weight. She told me the world wouldn’t end and frankly she doubted anyone would miss me; see what I mean about harsh. She said blogs are all about the people who write them and maybe I needed to not be so self involved for a while. Ouch! So I agreed and we started meeting twice a week for six weeks. I learned more in that six weeks than I have learned in the past six years.

Her theory about walking away from the blog and the writing was this: I focus on food and weight so much that I never give myself a break from it and the blog is the tool for my singular focus. I have a blog about my addiction to food and my binge behavior, so clearly I need to keep these behaviors close to me so that I have something to write about. ”What if you let them go? What would happen if you didn’t write about your weight or your food issues? Do you think a part of your identity would be lost? Do you think you would lose a part of yourself if the weight went away? Maybe it’s a diversion so you don’t have to look too closely at what’s at the core of you.” This is how we started the six weeks. Ugh!

Of course I thought she was nuts. The blog is not the problem, I am the problem. Well, maybe that was just her point. It took about three weeks for me to be able to say out loud that a big part of my identity is being the fat girl and being the girl who struggles with food, and that I am afraid of what would happen if the weight fell off. I have been thin at various points in my life but it never lasts too long, so there must be a reason. Turns out there are many reasons and most of them are no one’s business. As my therapist says, many people are fat for deeply personal reasons and to get over that you have to come to terms with those reasons. I had done a lot of that on my own, but she really helped me take that to another level. This woman has solidified my feeling that you need help to overcome food issues. You can only do so much on your own, but at some point you can’t ask or honestly answer all the hard questions that need asked and answered because it’s too painful.

I had a lot of profound moments in our time together, but one of the most profound moments for me was a particular exercise she had me do. I sat with my eyes closed and cleared my mind. She then asked me to picture a large tree full of green leaves, then cast it out of my mind. She asked me to picture a bright full moon, then cast it out of my mind. She asked me picture a red bucket, then cast it out of my mind. She then said, “You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. Just like the tree, the moon, and the bucket, you have the ability to cast out your thoughts because you are not your thoughts; you are the observer.” I later saw Deepak Chopra do the same thing with Oprah, and it was just as life altering for me. I am not really sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. The first thought I have everyday is I am the observer of my thoughts. Like I said, I had a lot of moments in those six weeks. I was totally open to any and all experiences, and that was a big piece of it. You can’t receive the message if you are not open to it.

It’s hard to wrap it all up in writing mostly because it was deeply personal, more personal than I am willing to share at this point. The result is that I came away from those sessions with a new perspective on food and on myself. For the first time in a long time, I don’t think about what I put in my mouth. I just eat what I want to eat and the weird part is, that left to my own devices I actually eat pretty well. When I am not my thoughts, I make good choices and I listen when my body says I am full. If I want cake, I have cake. I have a reasonable amount of cake and not a binge/compulsive amount of cake. I have no guilt about the cake and once I eat it, I don’t think about it again. I finally have peace when it comes to food.

It has only been a couple of weeks since my last intensive session, and now I will be seeing her once a month for a bit. Normally I would say, we’ll see how long this lasts but not this time. Something is different and I can’t name it, but I can feel it. This doesn’t mean I no longer wish to be thinner, it just means the food no longer controls me or my thoughts. It means I am at peace with my body, food, and life.

It means I have reached my bliss point and it feels pretty damn good.

Shame & Obesity – A Must Read

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If you this blog regularly, you know I am a big fan of WeightWars. I think she has a very honest and open approach that always resonates with me. She posted something this morning that I think everyone should read. Its called, Does Shame Make Any Difference?

It struck a chord with me because I have spent a lot of time over the past thirty years shaming myself about my weight in one way or another. Did it ever work? At times. Did it ever last? No.  “I think we forget when we say that we (society) are battling a war against obesity that we are actually fighting a war against people, obese people.” – Rebecca from Weight Wars.

Please read the Weight Wars post and either let Rebecca know what you think, or let me know what you think.

Happiness Online: March Wrap Up

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I know this is a bit late and I have been absent for some time, but I have a really good explanation. More on that later. 

Let’s wrap up March.

My first happiness resolution for March was do school. I did school. I finished and passed my second course and enrolled in my third. I will continue to do school, but I will not enjoy it. My fifth resolution was to enjoy the process and I really tried, but I hate school and that is all there is to it. I realize I don’t have to get a doctorate and if I hate it I could quite, but there is something in me that just has to do it. It’s a personal goal and a professional one, so I just have to push through. Ugh!

My second goal was to move out. I needed a new job so in March I started applying for everything I was interested in regardless of whether I was qualified or not. Guess what, it worked! I started a new job this week!!! I am with the same company, which I am happy about because I wasn’t ready to totally jump ship. I am very excited about it and the challenge has been great, so I am looking forward to what is to come.

Don’t bring it home was another goal and I think I was pretty good at this. I made a conscious effort, so hopefully it was good. Now that I have a new job I am hoping this one will be easier going forward. My frustration is lower, I am happier, and I am challenged so i feel good about this one.

Be better. This one is so hard for me and I want it not to be. I tried to be a glass half full girl, I really did but it goes against the grain of everything I am. I have moments of it, but I have more moments of jaded, sarcastic, skepticism. I will continue to try to work on it, but no promises.

That’s March.  I didn’t really do anything for April, but it’s almost May so I’ll get back on the bandwagon next month.  See how it’s going for everyone else at WeightWars.

Is This Really A Binge…

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I think I hopped off the recovery wagon, I think. Normally a binge for me is a whole bag of chips, followed by some pop-tarts, followed by some string cheese, followed by… whatever, you get the point. Eat until you basically fall into a food coma. As I noted earlier in the week I have been struggling a bit to stay on the food wagon. On Wednesday I did pretty good all day, but then started to spiral in the evening. I had to go to my old high school to talk about my son’s schedule for next year. I was immediately fifteen and, well, you see why the spiral came to town. Ugh!

Anyway, that evening I ate a salad for dinner, then had a handful of carrots and hummus. About an hour after dinner I had an orange. About an hour after that I ate a handful of rice crackers. About an hour after that I pulled out the box of pop-tarts, but instead roasted some chickpeas and ate a handful of those. About an hour after that I went to bed. I was laying in bed and thinking how I didn’t really feel full, but wasn’t hungry. I was recapping all the things I ate that night and couldn’t decide if that was a binge or not.

Let’s examine the evidence.

I ate when I was not hungry -  binge

I did not eat garbage back to back for several hours straight – not a binge

I did not beat myself up about what I was eating – not a binge

I did eat more than I would normally and kept going back mindlessly - binge

I am not really sure what the hell that was. I ate pretty healthy and did not ingest a thousand calories in a four-hour period. But just because it was not my typical binge doesn’t mean it wasn’t one. I did eat mindlessly and without a stream of consciousness. Have I found a new “healthy” way to binge?  Was that really even a binge?

Happiness Online: March Resolutions

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The theme for March is Aim Higher.

The author of The Happiness Project views this theme in terms of her work. I fear I may have to view it in different terms. In order to aim higher at work I fear I may need to find another company to work for, but that is another story.

Here are my five resolutions for March:

1.) Do school

2.) Move out

3.) Don’t bring it home

4.) Be better

5.) Enjoy the process

Do school is a big one for me because I him and haw about my doctoral program, and can’t get my shit together. I have been in and out of this damn thing for two years. I have changed programs, I have sworn to never go back, I swear to commit, but here I am two years later and with little progress. I am currently trying to finish a class and get my butt in gear for the next one, so that is my resolution for March, do school. Get it together and just, for the love of god, do it!

I have been with the same company for six years, and i the same job for five. While the job has changed, my title has stayed the same. Every time I get close to moving up my group gets re-org’d and I have to start all over with a new supervisor. The problem is that my group is question mark and no one knows what to do with it, so there really is no end on sight. The solution is to move out of that group into a new role. I have no interest in leaving the company, I just need a new department. I am going to start applying for other positions and start talking to other supervisors, networking if you will, to get myself out there.

The hardest thing about being in a job that you don’t like but don’t dislike either, is you’re not happy. When you’re not happy at work, it follows you home a good portion of the time. This is where don’t bring it home comes in. It’s not fair to my husband or my son when I come home crabby or just plain tired from the day because of my job. This also aligns a bit with a couple of resolutions from January, so clearly something I need to work harder at.

Be better. I can be mean and sort of an a-hole at times. I am really trying to be better about being nice to people even if I don’t like them, but it’s so hard sometimes. I find myself nit-picking behaviors and being nasty in ways that I really don’t want to be. I want my attitude toward people to be better and the way I handle people who irritate me to be better. This one is a stretch for me, and my be asking too much of myself, but we’ll see what happens.

Enjoy the process. I really want to try to enjoy school and all the changes in my work environment. I am meeting new people, and getting to have some good experiences, so I want to try to just enjoy it instead of looking at all the things I don’t like. My glass is almost always half empty and it would be nice to see it as half full from time to time. I want to enjoy my classes and the people in them, so I am going to try to just enjoy the journey.

Well, that’s March. It really can’t be any worse than February so nowhere to go but up!

Struggling To Hold On

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I have been struggling. I have wanted to eat my feelings and it has been awhile since that has happened. The last two days I have stayed in recovery, but it has been one bite at a time. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t like the pull I can feel to just throw in the towel and eat a whole bag of chips or a whole tub of ice cream. I know I will not feel better, that I will in fact feel even worse. I know that urge is lying when it says how good it will feel to stop struggling, to just let go and fall. I want to give in and I want to stop fighting it, but I can’t and I won’t. This will pass. I hope it passes soon and I hope I can keep it together until it does. Ultimately, this is the difference between me now and me eight months ago. Then I would have let go, now I won’t.

“In the moment that you reach for potato chips to avoid what you feel, you are effectively saying, I have no choice but to numb myself. Some things can’t be felt, understood, or worked through. You are saying, There is no possibility of change, so I might as well eat.” – Geneen Roth

“What we believe about food and eating is an exquisite reflection of all our beliefs. As soon as the food comes out, the feelings come out. As soon as the feelings come out, there is an inevitable recognition of the self-inflicted violence and suffering that fuel any obsession. And on the heels of that recognition comes the willingness to engage with and unwind the suffering rather than be its prisoner.” - Geneen Roth

I Am Over The Buffet

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Almost a year ago I wrote Should Buffet Be A 4 Letter Word, after going to a seafood buffet. The things I saw were eye opening and it was a good test for my compulsive eating. That was back in July and I have come a long way since then, but recently returned to a casino buffet and found myself almost grossed out; a first for sure. I was a bit shocked at my reaction and because I felt snobby for my reaction I kept it to myself and did not share it with my friends.

I am the sort of person who doesn’t care how other people eat. Do what you need to do and I’ll do what I need to do. I really do not look at what other people eat or sit in judgement. Unless you are constantly complaining about your weight or how crappy you feel, then I might pay a bit of attention. At a buffet however, I can’t stop looking at what people are eating. I do have to say I was very impressed with my friends because no one completely over did it and even though we were all full and did probably eat more than we should have, no one had to be rolled out.

The buffet we went to was very carb & meat heavy. There was a salad bar, but I hate buffet salad usually so for this non meat eater it’s basically a carb and dessert extravaganza. I guess I still just do not understand why a buffet is a good idea. We are a fat people and a buffet is really the last thing any of us should be doing. It’s a bad idea and, p.s. the food is not really that good.  If I am going to ingest 900 calories in one meal I want it to be something delicious. I want it to be something I think about the next day. I want it to be something I tell my friends about. I want it to be worth the six days I will need to spend at the gym to get those 900 calories off my ass.

I may be officially done with the buffet for good. Ish!

Here is my carb fest

Plate 1: 2 kinds of potato, 2 kinds of bread, veggies, & artichoke dip

Plate 2: green beans, bread, corn, fried rice, cream puff

Happiness Online: February Wrap Up

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February was an epic fail!  Epic fail!

As a reminder my resolutions for February’s theme of Remember Love were:

1.) Give proofs of love

2.) Don’t be so internal

3.) Own my needs

4.) Release the grip

5.) Love myself more

I have a mental block when it comes to emotions and I clearly need therapy. People’s feelings make me uncomfortable, and to be honest, so do my own. I would love to actually not have many of the emotions that are available to me at any given time.  I was terrible at give proofs of love.  I totally failed at don’t be so internal, and rarely owned my needs. I did agree to let my son fly to Arizona alone to see my mother for spring break, so release the grip was started, but it is killing me in a slow and painful way. I am hating every minute of it and it is only compounded by the fact that he leaves while I am out of town. I have no control of the situation and I may need to be institutionalized over this. I also did not love myself more. I actually had a lot of self loathing this month; something to work on.

February was all around an epic fail, but I will carry the resolutions forward and keep trying through the rest of the months. All you can do is what you can do right. I am a mess.

Who Brought A Goose To Yoga?

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I finally went back to yoga class last Sunday!! I was inspired by my 21 days of yoga experience to dive back in and give my bad shoulder a run for its money. The shoulder held out and didn’t really give me any trouble, but the same cannot be said for the rest of me. That class stretched things and twisted things that have not been stretched or twisted in some time.

If you do yoga, you know there are several positions that are considered twists. Twists are good for digestion and detoxification of your guts. I’m sure there is a better yogi explanation for this, but you get the idea. Sometimes these positions and others can give you the urge to fart. I get that this is a natural bodily function and I am forever eight years old because farting is funny to me. I do believe a packed workout room is not the place to pass your gas.

There is something that happens in yoga where people feel free to fire away. This behavior, I do not understand. Usually you just catch a whiff and don’t hear it, so we can all pretend it’s not happening. Usually, but not always. This brings me to yoga last Sunday. I get there fifteen minutes early and the room is already packed, so I slip in right up front next to these two women. I’m not happy about the front because I like to hide in the very back. I have seen my self from behind in a downward dog, it’s not pretty. Anyway, we start with some relaxation and some floor work. It’s all going well until we stand up – that’s when the goose got loose.

This woman next to me looked like she had done yoga a lot. She was bendy and didn’t need to look at the instructor very much. I don’t know if she ate mexican early in the day or what the hell was going on, but she farted about six times in twenty minutes. Now I am not talking a dainty little lady squeaker. I am talking about one honker after another. I immediately am a mix of stifled laughter and horror that someone is actually doing this. This woman made no face, no twitch, no tell that it might even be happening. I was right next to her so I know she was the one doing it. The room was small and we were all on top of each other so I know it was her. Other people where like, WTF is happening right now!? Not this woman; she was stone faced and focused on the yoga. Holy christ, how does that even happen.

The instructor would not acknowledge it and the class continued farts and all until we were done. This woman rolled up her mat, slipped on her flip-flops, and headed out like nothing happened. Everyone else in the class was talking quietly amongst themselves about the events of the last hour. I rolled up my mat and got the hell out of there. I did make sure I memorized that woman’s face because I will not lay my mat by her again. Why? Because that woman was the goose at yoga.